Let me tell you a story on self sabotage. So there was a girl called Sana who grew up in a family environment where there was neglect and abuse. The parents had no time to take care of the children and they were six siblings. Sana started feeling the pinch of rejection when she started her school as she could see other parents dropping their kids to school and waiting to pick them up. Every day she felt and hoped may be someone from home might come today to pick her up from school. When she went home the food was ready but she constantly complained about it and asked for salt, water and complained for stomach aches to get attention. No one understood what she was desiring deep inside that hug, love and comfort. That re-assurance of love to feel safe. She was seen s a rebel and problematic child. Slowly Sana started spending more time outside the house with friends and started creating a world for herself. As Sana grew up she felt she wasn’t worthy of love. No one wants her around and that made her a people pleaser. She could not say no to people and would do anything to maintain her circle of friends.
She came across friends who took her for granted and manipulated her to get their work done and did not respect her for what was contributing because she was doing it out her deep need to have these people in her life even if they weren’t a contribution to her.
In her work space she would miss on opportunities of growth and land up not attending the most important meetings. She was reaching a point in her mind where she felt that nothing was working for her. Her relationship, her business, her life and she tried killing herself. She picked up a bottle of sleeping pills and ended up gulping all of them. She was saved by her friend and referred to a therapist.
As Sana began her therapy she started realizing how her experiences in childhood has shaped her life.
The therapist pointed out that the strong need to be validated by her parents and desire to prove to the world that she deserves love was making her go out of her way to be with people. She felt that if she stops this behavior then she will be alone and that was a place she never wanted to visit. He strong fears of abandonment started surfacing when she remembered her mom screaming at her in anger and telling her how Sana had made their life difficult? how she was not like her siblings obedient and quiet? how she constantly argues and asks un-necessary questions?. In anger her mom would push her out of the house and wish to not see her. Sana expressed her deep hurt and pain for being blamed for everything and she deeply believed that she can never contribute to anyone. She told herself that no one will ever love her. She put herself in a box and lid was closed. Sana lost herself.
Now the question is if Sana had decided to not live and not be visible then who is this person who is trying to create a big life. Well as long as we are alive there is a hope. A hope that some day everything will be fine, there will be light around. Everytime it does not happen she breaks. She is at a point where if she finds love she will run away. She desires that space but it’s too good to be true. She cannot imagine that her life could be beautiful.
How to over come self sabotage
Understand self sabotage
We are the biggest blocks in our own lives. Most people don’t even know that they are self sabotaging themselves. Its important to bring to their notice how they are preventing themselves from living a meaningful life.
Recognize self sabotaging habits
Once you understand the self sabotaging pattern and behavior, identify the habits that are self sabotaging. Not following up with clients, not taking care of self, pushing people away in relationships etc
Identify the root cause
Understand from where this behavior is coming like in case of Sana it is coming from her mother and once she recognizes that she has heal the hurt and pain associated with those memories.
Find your inner voice
The inner voice that we carry is mostly the voice of parents and their judgments. It has to be your inner voice and guidance. So its important to meditate or take therapeutic support to connect to this deep voice
Make small meaning ful changes
As you have lived in this self sabotage mode for so long take time to make small changes other wise it can be overwhelming.
It is extremely important to accept oneself and cultivate self care and slowly move towards self love.
Learning to say No.
It is extremely important to say no to people. It is important to understand who are the people you wish to have in your life.